I have been admitting this to myself a lot lately, and on occasion when it is right, admitting this to my children also.I most frequently catch myself misguiding my frustration onto my kids during the morning hustle.
‘Why are we running late again?’
‘Why aren’t your shoes and socks on?’
‘Why did you forget your bag again?’
‘Why is there Weetbix Everywhere?’
Reality is, I am in my 3rd trimester of pregnancy and I am functioning much much slower. Even if I am up earlier, I am not moving through the motions of our morning hustle efficiently enough and it is annoying.
So, I am frustrated. Not so much with the kids but with myself for:
1/ not being efficient enough to keep up with my own previous self-standards.
2/ not training my kids to be more independent and helpful.
But my kids just see a cranky mum who is just annoyed with them.
I am yelling at them, but I am really angry at me!
There are times of course that my frustration is valid, and the source is not me. But asking myself ‘why am I really angry right now?’ has become a recurring question.
Is it because I am frustrated with myself?
Is it because I am feeling triggered by an inner wound or expectation?
Is it because I just don’t have the energy or headspace to respond to any behaviour well right now?
-Getting cranky at them for eating and drinking too much, but really, I am angry at myself for not buying enough Milk and Bread.
-Getting cranky at my kids for not cleaning up after themselves, but really, I am angry at myself for not teaching them how to do so.
-Cranky at them for distracting me all day with their normal childlike requirements, but really, I am angry with myself for being so forgetful and slow.
-Cranky at them for not going to bed easily, but really frustrated at myself at how exhausted I am and unable to facilitate the beautiful relaxed bedtime routine that I used to.
-Cranky at them for making me yell, but really angry at myself because I vowed, I wouldn’t be a mum who yelled so much.
I could go on, and I am sure you too could create your own list.
Often…I am yelling at them, but I am really angry at me.
I share this in the hopes that someone might relate. It doesn’t necessarily change the reality that I still get frustrated. But I do think it helps me apologise when I need to and eventually find the compassion for myself that is required to shift it. It also helps me communicate more clearly to kids why mummy seems a bit hysterical sometimes.
Because sometimes I am yelling at them because I am angry at them.
I am yelling at them, but I am angry at me.
Less yelling at them and less anger at Me is the goal!
I should mention that I talk to my counsellor every 2-4 weeks to keep my headspace a little less cluttered and overwhelmed. So grateful for this service and I think every mother should tap in.
The intake hotline is 1800222608 and it is a free service to Nepean Blue Mountains community. Strongly encourage you consider it.